Rant

24 11 2007

I promise, I’ll get back to being funny really soon. But I just have to unload some shit first. Bear with me. I am a girl, after all.

I’m a weirdo. I’ve never seen A Christmas Story. I’d much rather read a book than watch TV. I’m a classically trained opera singer who’d sooner be swilling bourbon and screaming the blues than be twittering away onstage at The Met.

I don’t know how to date. I have no fucking idea what to do. I did the whole laid-back, chill, be with someone for the company and hope it turns into the love of your life thing, and I ended it because it didn’t. That was the longest relationship of my life, by a LONG SHOT, and it never made it past the knock-on-the-door-when-you-come-over stage. I chose to be alone rather than be taken and unfulfilled.

And here I am, on my first Friday night as a single woman in nine months, sitting in front of a computer screen.

Why, you ask?

Because I’m terrified.

PETRIFIED, truthfully.

I have no idea what to do. I don’t even know where to begin. I always freak guys out because I’m so ballsy and straight-forward, and I don’t really do the “play up to their egos” thing. I mean, what the fuck is that, really? Men have treated me like shit most of my life, and while I don’t play the victim anymore, I’m not about to act all submissive and fragile just so they’re not scared of me. I have a HUGE personality, and I pretty much steamroll most people I meet without ever intending to do so. I’m strong and I’m smart and I’m funny and a lot of people can’t keep up with me. A lot of people just don’t GET me, and they certainly can’t begin to HANDLE me.

But goddammit, I’m scared.

What if the next 15 years of dating end up like the previous 15 years, if not worse? What if I fall right back into the old pattern of unrequited yearning for men who adore me as a friend, but just don’t see me as their “type?” What if I’m (gulp) alone for the rest of my life because I just don’t know how to go about this dating thing?!?!?

What if staying with someone who isn’t right for you really IS better than being alone?

What if all this fucking crying never stops, and I grow old and tired and bitter?

Goddamn. I need a drink.

More than that, I need to be screeching my lungs out into a microphone because that’s how I need to get this shit out of my system. I’m a musician, and I haven’t touched my piano in at least 6 months. I haven’t wanted to play.

And I don’t want to play this stupid dating game, either. I just don’t understand it.

/rant

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12 responses

24 11 2007
abhi

Like I said: funny, intelligent, strong, sexy. I think it’s only a matter of time before you get snapped up.

24 11 2007
Alison

Okay, first, it’s certainly okay to rant on your blog. This is your space for self-expression.

Second, in my experience, it’s certainly better to be alone than compromise yourself. I stayed too long with the wrong person, and I almost died. Inside. Had I stayed, I might actually be really dead today. You can’t be someone you’re not, or worse, lose yourself, for other people.

Now get thee to a microphone. Also, join me at yoga next week. 🙂

24 11 2007
winter

Alison’s a smart woman. Listen to her – except maybe about the yoga thing. Not sure on that part … *wink*

Better to be who you really are than who someone else thinks you are or should be. Nobody gets what they want that way.

Let the rest come on its own. *hug*

24 11 2007
bhd

Yeah, that’s some scary shit. I remember. I remember this “just after” time, and all its confusion and uncertainties.

And I can promise you that it’s a period that comes to an end. But you have to go through it. There’s no getting around that.

I predict you’re going to arrive at a shining moment when you realize that you’re going to be all right; that although there are no guarantees in life you’re damned well going to live fully and true to yourself; that partner or not your life is going to be rich and fulfilling and a great adventure; that your “take no prisoners” personality will only run off the people who would try to contain that energy anyway; and that you’re coming to the labs for some R&R soon.

25 11 2007
zevon

Yep, you’re a weirdo all right, but ya do know we’re all bozos on this bus, no?
When that one special person walks into your life you’ll know it. You probably won’t even be looking to meet someone when it happens. And then you’ll either change a bit because you want to, or you’ll know that you don’t need to change one damn bit…

Now forget all the sadness that’s taken up residence in your house this past week, put a jockey full O’ bourbon up on the piano and start tinkling them keys.
You could be the female Tom Waits , for chrissake!

:wink::hug::lol: and all that…

25 11 2007
rebecca

oh friend. NO ONE likes or knows how to date. it isn’t easy. it isn’t meant to be.

i had some self worth issues after my marriage ended. but, i learned that loving yourself and BEING who you are, is a requirement. no apologies.

we take chances. we fail. we fall. it hurts. but we become more of who we are that way. and who YOU are is incredible. smart, lovely and talented beyond measure. not that that keeps you warm at night…but we’re always here to get down and dirty with you. to keep you warm. to laugh with you and cry with you.

as bhd told me, time takes time.

get at that piano!

25 11 2007
rebecca

and one more thing.

if it was easy, it wouldn’t be worth having.

25 11 2007
Beanie

TO paraphrase both Abhi and our young Callum:

“Bouncy loud brash flower of American womanhood”

I delight in you. And some day a genuinely good man will, as well.

25 11 2007
newwavegurly

What if staying with someone who isn’t right for you really IS better than being alone? It isn’t. Seriously. I know I am better off not being in a relationship than being in any of the relationships I’ve had in the past.

Do I have my doubts at times? Absolutely. But I have found that the older I get, the less willing I am to compromise in what I want in a partner, and it’s unfair to waste time (his and my own) once I know it doesn’t have a future.

I have no idea what to do. I don’t even know where to begin. I always freak guys out because I’m so ballsy and straight-forward, and I don’t really do the “play up to their egos” thing. I mean, what the fuck is that, really? There are a lot of us. We tell it like it is, almost to a fault at times. We are who we are, and we make no bones about it. Why should we be the one to stroke their egos? Let them stroke ours for a while.

You have a lot of things going on right now (as I just caught up on your blog entries), and trying to tackle it all at once is a bit much. Do for YOU.

26 11 2007
zevon

Started a little song for ya:

“I got my grits
I got my tits
I got my trustyoven mitts
Don’t need no GOT DAMN man…”

You finish it… 🙂

28 11 2007
memsahib

Fear can be debilitating. Fear can be motivating. Scale the wall, and fall to the other side! Or, knock it down completely whatever it takes. Its just fear after all, right? I think you are making the right choices, so let life and thoughs just spill out as it comes. And get thee to a piano, if you feel that the therapy is useful!

29 05 2013

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