Deep breath.

7 10 2008

I’ve been struggling lately with an all-too-familiar set of circumstances.  Years of therapy and pharmaceuticals (and yeah, I guess personal growth is in there, too) convinced me that I am above trite, simplistic emotions like bitterness and jealousy.  I am a WOMAN, a strong, intelligent, confident, ass-kicking woman.  My worth is not determined by what others think of me or their choices regarding my place in their lives.  I love myself regardless of my life’s circumstances.

But a recent turn of events has me picking up the mirror again, that same mirror I discarded a few years ago.  This mirror reflects self-loathing, weakness, rage, jealousy, envy, and yes, bitterness.  I can’t begin to wrap my brain around this turmoil and why it’s suddenly come out of remission.  I’m at a loss.  I do my best to go on about my days and love myself and the life I’ve made in this beautiful place, but all I want right now is my Mom, and my sister, and my best friend, and her back porch with the view of those Kentucky mountains I love so much.

I went down to the beach with my Mocha Man a few nights ago after work.  I needed some majesty.  I needed to feel the embrace of something far bigger than myself.  We sat on a tattered bedsheet from my childhood, sipping beer from a travel coffee mug and eating fresh green grapes.  He held me as we lay there, watching the waves emerge and crash from the midnight.  A band of fog rolled in and obscured us from the peering eyes of the world, and I felt better.

But now it’s Tuesday morning, and I’m headed out to job number 2.

Deep breath.

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3 responses

7 10 2008
Beanie

You’re homesick, cherie. It’s OK. It’s normal. And you’re in the land of Botox and avocados, for heaven’s sake. It takes some gettin’ used to.

You’re going to be OK. In fact, I’ll wager in another few months, you’ll be BETTER than OK. You’re cherished by those close to you, and those back home and that’s a blessing.

So go kick that mirror in the…um…shins. I guess. You know what I mean.

7 10 2008
bhd

Chalk it up to leaving familiar environs. Your world is on its ear, but not for long. When I moved to Illinois from NJ (where I’d lived for 33 years) I experienced quite the setback, emotionally. And it was the calm, steady presence of hobbitt that pulled me through.

I hope you can lean on the Mocha Man when you need to. Change is difficult even in the best of times. Be kind to yourself! *hugs*

9 10 2008
tardparty

Ah, my ever-so-wise bevy of ladies come to my rescue. *hugs*

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