Deep breath.

7 10 2008

I’ve been struggling lately with an all-too-familiar set of circumstances.  Years of therapy and pharmaceuticals (and yeah, I guess personal growth is in there, too) convinced me that I am above trite, simplistic emotions like bitterness and jealousy.  I am a WOMAN, a strong, intelligent, confident, ass-kicking woman.  My worth is not determined by what others think of me or their choices regarding my place in their lives.  I love myself regardless of my life’s circumstances.

But a recent turn of events has me picking up the mirror again, that same mirror I discarded a few years ago.  This mirror reflects self-loathing, weakness, rage, jealousy, envy, and yes, bitterness.  I can’t begin to wrap my brain around this turmoil and why it’s suddenly come out of remission.  I’m at a loss.  I do my best to go on about my days and love myself and the life I’ve made in this beautiful place, but all I want right now is my Mom, and my sister, and my best friend, and her back porch with the view of those Kentucky mountains I love so much.

I went down to the beach with my Mocha Man a few nights ago after work.  I needed some majesty.  I needed to feel the embrace of something far bigger than myself.  We sat on a tattered bedsheet from my childhood, sipping beer from a travel coffee mug and eating fresh green grapes.  He held me as we lay there, watching the waves emerge and crash from the midnight.  A band of fog rolled in and obscured us from the peering eyes of the world, and I felt better.

But now it’s Tuesday morning, and I’m headed out to job number 2.

Deep breath.

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